Learning to Pray

After a whole long life of indifference--all 20 months of it--I have in the last week or two noticed Little Jacob take an intense interest in the business of saying prayers before we eat.  A week or two ago I noticed he wasn't making any noise while Jacob was praying, and I peeked at him to see what he was doing.  He was staring at his dad with intense interest, his "yummy dinner" all but forgotten.

This week we decided to make a conscious effort to include him in praying.  Ever since we were dating, Jacob and I have sort of fallen into the habit of holding hands when we pray together.  I guess Little Jacob noticed that, because when we first asked him to pray with us, he eagerly reached out for our hands and clasped one of each of ours in each of his, then put his hands together so that we were all three holding hands.  Dad Jacob said a short, simple prayer that he would be more likely to understand, and when we said, "Amen", Little Jacob said, "All done, hands!" and started to eat.

I guess he noticed that while "All done, hands!" was sort of accurate, it wasn't quite the right thing to say at the end of a prayer, so he thought he would try something different.  This Saturday after we finished the prayer, he got a little flustered.  He let go of our hands, looked at his, and said, "All done, han...Bye, han...(big sigh, looked down)...I'm fine...."  Then he looked up at us, embarrassed, and said, "Sorry."  I think he was reaching for "Amen", but couldn't quite get there, got mixed up, and then felt self-conscious.  I gave him a big shoulder squeeze, sitting there in his high chair, a big kiss on his cheek and told him he didn't have to be sorry for anything.  He did it just right.

The next morning when we were watching conference, we bowed our heads along with the prayers being said and asked him if he wanted to pray.  I think he remembered being embarrassed at dinner the night before, because the first time or two he said, "No, hands!" and hid his hands behind his back, and steadfastly refused to bow his head with us.  But I think he was just using those times as trial runs, watching us to see what he was supposed to do, because after a couple of times of watching us and hearing us say, "Amen," he reached out for our hands and even bowed his head with us, but his eyes wide open, of course.  I was, of course, peeking, to see what he would do.  Then when the prayer was over and we said our "Amens", he confidently declared, "All done, amen!"  Every prayer since, that is how he ends it.  "All done, amen!" with a big smile, as if to say, "I did it!  I know how to do this now!"

I think it is the cutest thing ever, and it makes me sad that he won't say it for long.  It won't be long before he figures out that the "All done" part isn't really necessary, though it is descriptive, and he will start saying boring old "Amens", just like the rest of us.  To him it will be a triumph of learning to get along in his little world, but to me it will feel like a little something lost.

It's so strange watching him become self-aware--kind of scary.  Watching his feelings develop, I dread the day when he first comes home crying in shame because someone made fun of him for something, or laughed at him for being overzealous, too excited about simple things when they think he should be blasé, or doing something otherwise not cool--or wicked, tight, ballin'--or whatever word they're using these days.  (Hey, I'm a mom.  I don't have to be cool anymore).  I remember some of those awful times as a kid.  I was never cool, and sometimes it was really hard, and I really wish I could spare him that...but mostly childhood is happy, and I know he has to learn how to cope.  I know I can't protect him from all the hard things about growing up.  I hope I can teach him wisdom and to be happy with himself, no matter what anyone else says or does.  I guess the most important thing to teach him to be happy with himself is to teach him the gospel.  That's really the best way to put it all in an eternal perspective, and then maybe he won't worry quite so much about whether he is popular...or whatever crazy word they call it by then.  And we're starting with teaching him to pray, and for now, "All done, amen!" will do just fine.